"The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it."

This is a quote that I found on the Internet - it has pricked my mind and my heart. Many things and people I wish I could leave in my past. At times I wish I could erase my past or at least change it, but I realize that neither are possible. There are some hurts in my past and there are great mistakes I feel I have made. At times I tend to dwell on the past - I remember the things others have done to hurt me and the wound is opened up fresh. I think of the mistakes I have made and I beat myself up once more.

Why is it that when thinking of our past we tend to dwell on the bad? I guess it is in these moments that I easily forget the good that has come from the past 33 1/2 years of my life. Three major good things are my three children that I love so dearly. I forget that even in the strife and turmoil of emotionally excruciating situations good also came out of the depths of despair....some lessons learned....some friendships gained....some wisdom had taken root.

I may never understand WHY some of the things happened in my life, but I realize I have a choice to make. I can live in the hurts of the past or learn from them. I can continue to let hard situations of the past continue to rip open sores on my heart and soul, or I can look to healing and see only a scar.

I have made a vow to myself, just as in the quote above, to learn from the past, prepare for the future, and to live the present making the most of it . For if I decide to live today looking back and feeling hurt then tomorrow today will seem as another day of hurt and loss. If I choose to live today making the best of what I have the chance is that tomorrow I will remember good things about today....am I making sense? As for the future....oh the future! I can choose to believe that all good things will come and that all my dreams will be realized. If they don't...well then...I'll make the best of it!

Stay Out of that Spot!

Recently I heard someone refer to how we live in God's will as being in a parking lot. This may sound odd, but after explanation I feel it will make sense to you as it does now to me. Many individuals talk about having a desire to be in God's will, or maybe even mention that they are currently out of God's will. Does God have a written out plan for our lives? Does he plan out every detail and schedule every minute with what we should be doing? I know some who believe He does....but let me share some insight that I have been given.

When going to a grocery store we must first park on the parking lot. Let's look at our lives and God's will for our lives as that parking lot. He has given us a life to live (the parking lot), and we have many choices to make (the parking spaces). We can choose to park on one side of the store or the other, in a spot close to the door or farther away. In our lives we have choices also, how to deal with certain situations, how we should raise our children, how we should treat others, etc. We have the freedom to choose in which place we want to park and how our car - our lives - fit into that space.

Now there are rules! If we choose to park in a handicap spot without a handicap sticker we are breaking the rules. If we choose to take up two spots on the parking lot we are breaking the rules. Both of these two scenarios involve us not only breaking rules, but involve us effecting someone else by taking their spot. We make it harder on the handicap person by taking their spot and we leave someone else no room to park when we take up two spots. We do this in our lives also. At times we hurt others with the choices we make. We make it harder for others to enjoy their lives, or we push someone out of a place that they would fit because of our greediness. This happens when we are more concerned about ourselves then about others. Sometimes our carelessness can even lead to an accident on the parking lot....getting too close to another car or opening our door without watching what we are doing which leads us to hit the one beside us leaving an indention. How many lives have we hurt while being careless with the choices we make? How many "indention's" have we left on others lives? All because we have been careless in our choice of where and how we park.

Does this sound ridiculous? Consider Adam and Eve, they had free reign of their lives in the Garden of Eden. God did not tell them how to walk, what to eat and when, or how to spend their time. God only had one handicap parking space....do NOT eat of this fruit. Through their carelessness and lack of regard for God's will they ate of the ONE fruit! They parked in the handicap spot without a sticker! Adam and Eve's choice effected the rest of their lives, and still effects we as humans today. Have we found ourselves just as Adam and Eve? We have freedom from day to day to live as we wish, to live a good life and enjoy.....BUT at times we choose to eat the fruit - the ONE fruit we shouldn't eat.

Let's make wise decisions with the freedom that has been given us. Let us not park in the places we shouldn't and let us not be careless and effect those around us in a negative way.

Just some thoughts.

What To Do

WHAT TO DO?

I could climb the highest mountain, but it would still be with me.

WHERE TO GO?

I could go as far as the universe would allow, but it would still be with me.

WHO TO TELL?

Doesn't matter who I tell, it would still be with me.

My heart will be with me no matter what I do, where I go, or who I tell my pains to. I wish I could erase so much, yet no magic eraser exists for the mind. I wish I could live, yet without my heart, without my mind....yet it is not possible.

The pain that comes when your dearest and closest betrays you ~ no erasing, no forgetting, no living without the scar.

So alone I sit in this quiet house.....

wishing there was something I could do,

somewhere I could go,

or someone I could tell.

Psalm 27: Jehovah is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? Jehovah is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evil-doers came upon me to eat up my flesh, [Even] mine adversaries and my foes, they stumbled and fell. 3 Though a host should encamp against me, My heart shall not fear: Though war should rise against me, Even then will I be confident. 4 One thing have I asked of Jehovah, that will I seek after; That I may dwell in the house of Jehovah all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of Jehovah, And to inquire in his temple. 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me secretly in his pavilion: In the covert of his tabernacle will he hide me; He will lift me up upon a rock. 6 And now shall my head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me. And I will offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto Jehovah.

7 Hear, O Jehovah, when I cry with my voice: Have mercy also upon me, and answer me. 8 [When thou saidst], Seek ye my face; My heart said unto thee, Thy face, Jehovah, will I seek. 9 Hide not thy face from me; Put not thy servant away in anger: Thou hast been my help; Cast me not off, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. 10 When my father and my mother forsake me, Then Jehovah will take me up. 11 Teach me thy way, O Jehovah; And lead me in a plain path, Because of mine enemies. 12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine adversaries: For false witnesses are risen up against me, And such as breathe out cruelty. 13 [I had fainted], unless I had believed to see the goodness of Jehovah In the land of the living. 14 Wait for Jehovah: Be strong, And let thy heart take courage; Yea, wait thou for Jehovah.

This scripture was read today during the morning service at St. Timothy's Episcopal Church. It spoke to my heart in a way that scripture hasn't spoken to me in months. I obviously have some adversaries that were unhappy with my blog last week speaking of feeling close to the Lord and how He has once again whispered "daughter" in my ear. What can I say? If I am unhappy and down they are unhappy with me, and if I am happy and feeling good, even more so unhappy....their loss. These people either do not understand, or fail to realize, that as humans we go through many a valley and many mountain tops. I have yet to meet a person untouched emotionally in either situation, and I have never claimed to be one that is untouched.

The parts of the scripture that particularly spoke to me are highlighted in red. I felt that read is the appropriate color, for Christs words are written in red in the scripture, and it was His spirit that communed with mine this morning. Basically to sum up the main points of this scripture I can say of myself......"I have no one to fear! I AM confident! He has lifted me on a rock and I will SING or SPEAK of it! Even though my mother has forsaken me, and some have breathed cruel words towards me I have been TAKEN UP by Jehovah! I will be strong and of good courage.....for I wait on Jehovah."

It has been a while since I last post. Many changes have occurred in my life, some good, some bad, but all has worked for the best. I feel for once in my life that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and that all is working out for me and my family. Jackie and I are doing well, better than ever really. The kids are great and doing well in school.

We are now attending a new church. It hurt at first leaving the small group we were involved with, but now I can see God's movement in the situation. The Episcopal church has welcomed Jackie and I as a family with open arms. Just this Sunday I joined the choir; amazingly they allow "people like me" to be involved in church programs. The song I practiced with the choir fist was one I remember hearing my high school choir director sing - "Broken and Spilled Out." Hearing the song moved me. Singing with a choir in which I am the only gay person moved me, the feeling of acceptance and love overwhelmed me. Singing the songs we sang Sunday morning at practice took me back to my high school years, All-State Choir to be exact.

I have been lifted up, higher than I have been in quite a while.My dad called last week and asked to meet me and the grandkids for dinner. He told me that my mother would no longer keep him away from me! This put me on a high that no drug or alcohol could produce. Then, amazingly, just the other day, I ran into his sister, my aunt Linda at a local gas station. I hadn't seen her since my mother took me away from dad's family when I was but ten years old. We laughed, cried, and I showed her the place in which I live. Linda has visited twice now, and asked to be called "mawma Linda", not only to my children, but to Jackie's. WOW!!! I have my dad back, I have an aunt back I lost some twenty years ago, and I still have my wonderful aunts Marsha and Tammy and my cousin, that I call sister, Nicci!

Life is looking up. God has once again wrapped His loving arms around me and called me "daughter." His love has never failed me, though I have failed Him many times. If only I could share just a piece of what I feel with everyone else in my life! I wish I could put the love and confidence into the hearts of all I love.....

My spiritual journey....My experiences

Jackie and I attended a service Sunday morning that was a new experience for the both of us. Our plans were to try the episcopal church that is located not far from our house, but upon arriving we approached a sign that informed us that the service was moved to the Lutheran church in the valley. The service was nice, but not what either of us were looking for. I had a conversation months ago with the rector of the Episcopal church and she promised me that our family would be lovingly welcomed at St. Timothy's. After the service Sunday morning we discussed how many churches we had both either attended or visited. I thought throughout the day about all of my experiences, good, bad, and what I learned from each. I am writing this blog to share my experiences with anyone interested in reading.

I was three years old when my grandmother started attending church and she made the decision to take me and allow me to grow up in church even though my parents were not church goers. A Church of God associated with Anderson, IN is where my religious experience got off to a start. The teachers and pastor were loving people, but had a way of making one feel "less than" and as if measuring up were not possible. I mentioned above that my parents didn't attend church so there were many occasions when I would miss church to go with my family on a trip. The next Sunday I was made to feel guilty, even as a child, for missing the previous service. I was taught that "good works" and attending church is what pleases God and I needed to do my best to do so. I learned a lot of Bible while attending there for nine years and owe the little church in Charleston gratitude for giving me a base for my spiritual walk. The Church of God believes in "losing" salvation and that the book of Revelations is symbolic and not literal. I later learned different beliefs as I will explain later. It was in this church that I had my first "salvation" experience. There were those who were going to the alter to "be saved" and I wanted to do what they were doing so I also went to the alter and my Sunday school teacher prayed for me.

The year that I turned twelve held many changes for me. The first change was the move from Charleston to Sissonville, new school, new friends, new house, and now a new church. I started attending an American Baptist church with my aunt and uncle. I was introduced to the baptist beliefs of salvation and understanding of the book of Revelation. I had many conversations with my pastor, teachers, and friends about the new beliefs that I was now introduced to. This new idea of eternal salvation was one for me to ponder and battle with. How could my previous teachings be wrong? I had been taught that to "mess up" in any way would mean that I was no longer be saved and on my way to hell. I was also introduced to the belief that the book of Revelations was indeed literal in many ways, that there would in the future be a rapture, tribulation, and thousand year reign.

I spent four years (my first go around) at the American Baptist church and in the mean time visited many other churches where I was invited to sing. I had the experience of visiting Charismatic, Full Gospel, Apostolic Pentecostal, community and even Methodist churches. I was introduced to "exciting" services in which members would shout, clap, and some even danced. I was also introduced to "boring" services and in these I was so bored that I could not wait to go home.

When I was 16 years old the American Baptist church had a type of melt down. We lost our pastor, who was also my best friends dad, whom I considered to be a type of second or spiritual dad to me. The church had a hard time recovering and honestly I can't tell if they ever have to this day.

I was 16 years old and was dating a boy that was a Nazarene. I attended the Nazarene church with him off and on and learned of their beliefs. They, like the Church of God, believed salvation could be lost, but believed the book of Revelation like the Baptist church I had been in for four years. During this same time my school choir director became a big part of my life. I looked up to her in a musical way and in a spiritual way, she seemed so spiritually grounded and I admired that in her. This director was also a Nazarene, but attended a different church. My best friend and I decided that we would start attending the directors church and be involved in her church choir. So during this time I dug deeper into the Nazarene beliefs and tried to make sense of what I wanted to believe was true. I started to feel that I believed the literal meaning of the book of Revelation, but didn't know if I felt I could lose my salvation or not. I did know that I didn't fully believe that I could be saved forever, and was scared every time that I "messed up" that I was hell bound. I especially worried because during this time I was battling with feelings of homosexuality and knew that the belief of my family and most church people I had been around believed it was a sin.

I was 19 when I married my high school boyfriend. Why did I marry even though I battled being gay? I married because I believed it was the "right" thing to do and I was determined to live a "good life" and raise a family. During the time of my engagement before the wedding the new pastor of the American Baptist church that I left visited my home. During this visit the new pastor encouraged my fiance and myself to give the church another try. At this time in my life many changes were being made. My parents and brother were preparing to move to Louisville, Ky and I was preparing to move in with my aunt and uncle. I was also attending my first year of college as a music major. The aunt and uncle that I was moving in with still attended the American Baptist church and I thought that it would be a wise decision to go to church with family.


My husband and I spent a few years back at the American Baptist church and seemed to grow in some ways. I became close to the choir director there and we spent a great deal of time discussing spiritual matters. My husband had begun a new journey of his own. He had been hired by the postal service and made new friends. One new friend in particular was an Independent Fundamental Baptist preacher. I remember the nights that my husband would come home and tell me of his changing views. He now believed that salvation is eternal and in the literal meaning of Revelations, but also in "holy living." The beach was no longer an option, for to put on a bathing suit was to be naked in front of others. Music other then gospel music was wrong and from Satan, and movies were just as bad. We were not allowed to go to the movies anymore, for someone may think we were going to see an R rated movie. Included in these changes were leaving out some of our favorite restaurants because they served alcohol. We left the American Baptist church and started attending a Freewill Baptist church near where we lived. I held many resentments against my husband, his friends, and the new church pastor. I felt caged and imprisoned. Why did I go along with my husband? ha! I went along with my husband because one of the beliefs that he said God had "enlightened" him too was that of obedience. A wife is to obey her husband and follow her husband at all times and the husband is the spiritual head of the household. My kids were not going to believe in Santa and me and my daughter were not going to wear pants. Many days I scrubbed toilets down in the floor in a dress to please my husband and pastor. Why did I care what they thought? I cared what they thought because I was still afraid that if I weren't careful my soul would still end up in hell.

After a few years of attending the Freewill Baptist church the one I was married to decided it was time to make another change. He could no longer attend a church that believed you could lose your salvation. This decision resulted in our attending an Independent Fundamental Baptist church. This church was a little different - same beliefs as my husband minus the not going to the beach rule and the not eating where alcohol is served rule. It was in this church that I came to a belief that I was really never actually saved. I had gone to an alter, but no confession or profession was made. At the age of 29 I went to an alter again and tried to get it right...because....I didn't want to go to hell did I?

We spent the ending of our marriage at the Independent Fundamental Baptist church and when I made the decision to divorce for emotional and some physical abuse the church turned it's back on me. I had just given the church a $2,000 check two weeks before I threw out my husband and the first time I went to church afterwards they shunned me. I was told by the pastor that I had no reason to divorce because adultery had not been committed and that I had ruined my husbands ministry as well as my own...so I left.

I found myself at 30 years old back at a Nazarene church. I found emotional support once again from my high school choir director and her church. After my divorce I had made the decision that if I ever were to date again I would "be myself" and be with a woman. I found myself in my first lesbian relationship and quit attending church. I felt I should quit because I knew that just about any church that I could attend frowned upon my life.

Almost a year after the start of my open life I missed church so bad that I could not stand it. I found a church that accepted openly gay people and believed that they could still be Christians. The services were nice, but tended to be a bit boring, that is until a revival was stirred. Many people wanted more, more praise, more prayer, more excitement. It was this yearning for more and the leader of the church trying to snuff it out that led a group of us to leave. We had started our own church and I finally felt I was "at home" with God and church.

This "at home" feeling only lasted a few months, for just as in a "straight" church the "gay church" members started eating one another alive. I find myself now, a few days from 33, not involved in church once again. A group of us moved on and meet once a week to have bible study, but church as I had known it is gone.

I wrote about my experience with the Catholic mass on Christmas eve, so now I can add a Catholic service to my list of experiences, and Sunday mornings Lutheran experience. Two Sundays from now I will be able to add an Episcopal service to my list, my list keeps growing! ha!

This LLOOONNNGGG blog is coming to a point. My point is that I am almost 33 years old, have experienced many beliefs and many church worship styles, and I still have no home. I don't have a physical church home, but I also don't have a spiritual church home. What do I mean? I mean that I still find myself wondering exactly was it is that I believe. I do know that I believe in God, Jesus, and Heaven and that these beliefs I am firm on. I will go to my grave believing in all three, but what else can I stand firm on? Do I want a traditional quiet service to attend? Do I want a loud praising service to attend? Do I believe that I am saved forever or that if I die at this moment I will burn? Do I believe in the rapture, tribulation, etc? Most important question: When I do nail down exactly what I believe will I find a church that is accepting of me in which I feel comfortable with my beliefs while attending?

Church of God, American Baptist, Nazarene, Freewill Baptist, Independent Fundamental Baptist, with some Charismatic, Apostolic Pentecostal, thrown in.....but don't forget the Catholic and Lutheran experience. whew!

The one and only thing I can hold on to at this moment in a spiritual way is my Father....my Father and His love for me.....regardless.

A Still Small Voice

In I Kings 19:11-12 we read of a still small voice. God was not in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire at this time, but He came to Elijah in a still small voice.

There have been times in my life when I have heard God in what seemed like a wind, His voice spoke loud and clear to me and swept me off my feet to lead me to being excited. There have been other times when I have heard Him in what seemed to be an earthquake, His voice shook me and caused everything in my life to change it's location. Not so long ago I had heard God in a fire, it seemed He literally set my "soul" on fire, and for His work. In this blog I would like to share how God has come to me in the past few days in a still small voice.

I am sure that if you have read any or all of my posts you know that calamity and chaos have been prevalent in my life for the past three years. Three years ago I sought divorce from a man in whom I found much emotional abuse and in the end my children had also. Two years ago I lost my family via their "disowning" me for my "coming out" In the past year I have been through three very dramatic church "lynchings" in which I or my friends have been "called out" as evil. In September the final nail had been put into the coffin of religion and church for me. I witnessed those who claimed to be "Christians" hurting others in horrible ways. This was it for me, and I had no desire to ever step foot into a church door again.

Christmas Eve was drawing near and my partner and I decided that we would attend a midnight mass at a Catholic church not far from home. I had never attended a mass, and was intrigued by the comments of a friend who loved the Christmas Eve mass. So, at 11:30pm on Christmas Eve my partner, my three children, and I walked into the Catholic church.

I was in awe of the beauty of the sanctuary. Stained glass windows that were so beautiful in the night that I couldn't imagine the beauty in the day, and wonderful cathedral ceilings. The service started and I was afraid that I would feel awkward attending my first mass with no clue as to how to participate. I found that I was stressing for no reason, for the flow was so easy and unconstrained. The music was heavenly, although the choir hit a few wrong notes for the most part it was out of this world. The music that was brought by the choir sounded as the music I imagine hearing in heaven or as I am dieing. The sopranos would hit the high notes and the bases would go so low, and I sat with my ears feeling soothed with this choral music that was mostly Latin.

I have heard many complaints about how boring and liturgical a Catholic service seems to be, but I didn't find this to be the case at all. I have been in many a services that seemed to be "loud" or "exciting" and have noticed that some people feel if there is no excitement or shouting that they have not heard from God in the service. I have at times felt excited, shouted, etc....you know...I have had the wind, earthquake, and fire. On this occasion though, my heart felt a calm, a peace through the structure and quietness of the service. My ears hearing approximately 100 people say the phrase "thanks be to God" was like a balm to my soul.

Another incident in the mass that seemed to bring a peace to me was the aroma of incense. The priest many times used incense in the mass, and usually with prayer. I later learned incense is used during prayer to signify our prayers going up to God and the smell signifies the sweetness of the spirit with us. Oh MY! My nose captured the sweet smell and my whole being felt illuminated with the light of God. I know this may sound far fetched, but I felt so peaceful and calm, and felt that the prayers I was praying in my heart and mind were being lifted straight to Him and that He was communing right back with me.

The choir sang a new version of Ave Maria, and I couldn't fight the tears. I stared at the crucifix, remembering what Christ did for me, and thinking how none of the turmoil in my life can match His sacrifice. I started to think of my dad. My mother had decided that this year in order to place me under more of her pressure to change that she would not send me a birthday or Christmas card. I have received nothing in the way of a gift the past two holiday seasons, but this year not even a card. On Christmas Eve I had a card from my dad in the mailbox. My dad, like many other men, does not do the shopping or card writing during the season, but when he found out that mom wasn't even sending me a card he decided to do this himself. Dad got a card for me, signed that he loved me, and said for me to spend the Wal-Mart gift card enclosed on myself. This was a first in my life, for at no other time had dad actually even signed his own name on cards or gifts for me, mom always did.

My point is this!

My dad has stood back and watched my mother treat me like dirt and say unimaginable things to me. He has kept his distance in order to appease my mother, but when he found out that his name wasn't even going to be on a card for me he drew the line. He has seen my mother try to cause hurt for almost three years, but decided this past week that he was going to give me a blessing, or love, in spite of what my mother thought or thinks. I can imagine the ordinary conversation taking place with dad and mom. Dad asks "what did we get your mom and the kids for Christmas" and my mother responds with " I'm not sending Kim anything, she doesn't deserve anything from me." I have daydreamed of my dad saying "then I'll get her a card myself." I can see my dad picking out my card, and signing his name to it. Tears flow as I think of love filling his heart at that moment.

I am getting to a point.....ha! My earthly father loved me enough to show me love after he had seen enough hurt brought to me from my mother. My heavenly Father signed His name to my heart during mass on Thursday night. He signed it in a still small voice by saying "you are my daughter, and no matter what hurts others have caused you I LOVE YOU STILL."

My faith feels so strong at this moment, strong yet peaceful and still. I am loved. I am wanted. I am......well I am.