"The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it."

This is a quote that I found on the Internet - it has pricked my mind and my heart. Many things and people I wish I could leave in my past. At times I wish I could erase my past or at least change it, but I realize that neither are possible. There are some hurts in my past and there are great mistakes I feel I have made. At times I tend to dwell on the past - I remember the things others have done to hurt me and the wound is opened up fresh. I think of the mistakes I have made and I beat myself up once more.

Why is it that when thinking of our past we tend to dwell on the bad? I guess it is in these moments that I easily forget the good that has come from the past 33 1/2 years of my life. Three major good things are my three children that I love so dearly. I forget that even in the strife and turmoil of emotionally excruciating situations good also came out of the depths of despair....some lessons learned....some friendships gained....some wisdom had taken root.

I may never understand WHY some of the things happened in my life, but I realize I have a choice to make. I can live in the hurts of the past or learn from them. I can continue to let hard situations of the past continue to rip open sores on my heart and soul, or I can look to healing and see only a scar.

I have made a vow to myself, just as in the quote above, to learn from the past, prepare for the future, and to live the present making the most of it . For if I decide to live today looking back and feeling hurt then tomorrow today will seem as another day of hurt and loss. If I choose to live today making the best of what I have the chance is that tomorrow I will remember good things about today....am I making sense? As for the future....oh the future! I can choose to believe that all good things will come and that all my dreams will be realized. If they don't...well then...I'll make the best of it!

Stay Out of that Spot!

Recently I heard someone refer to how we live in God's will as being in a parking lot. This may sound odd, but after explanation I feel it will make sense to you as it does now to me. Many individuals talk about having a desire to be in God's will, or maybe even mention that they are currently out of God's will. Does God have a written out plan for our lives? Does he plan out every detail and schedule every minute with what we should be doing? I know some who believe He does....but let me share some insight that I have been given.

When going to a grocery store we must first park on the parking lot. Let's look at our lives and God's will for our lives as that parking lot. He has given us a life to live (the parking lot), and we have many choices to make (the parking spaces). We can choose to park on one side of the store or the other, in a spot close to the door or farther away. In our lives we have choices also, how to deal with certain situations, how we should raise our children, how we should treat others, etc. We have the freedom to choose in which place we want to park and how our car - our lives - fit into that space.

Now there are rules! If we choose to park in a handicap spot without a handicap sticker we are breaking the rules. If we choose to take up two spots on the parking lot we are breaking the rules. Both of these two scenarios involve us not only breaking rules, but involve us effecting someone else by taking their spot. We make it harder on the handicap person by taking their spot and we leave someone else no room to park when we take up two spots. We do this in our lives also. At times we hurt others with the choices we make. We make it harder for others to enjoy their lives, or we push someone out of a place that they would fit because of our greediness. This happens when we are more concerned about ourselves then about others. Sometimes our carelessness can even lead to an accident on the parking lot....getting too close to another car or opening our door without watching what we are doing which leads us to hit the one beside us leaving an indention. How many lives have we hurt while being careless with the choices we make? How many "indention's" have we left on others lives? All because we have been careless in our choice of where and how we park.

Does this sound ridiculous? Consider Adam and Eve, they had free reign of their lives in the Garden of Eden. God did not tell them how to walk, what to eat and when, or how to spend their time. God only had one handicap parking space....do NOT eat of this fruit. Through their carelessness and lack of regard for God's will they ate of the ONE fruit! They parked in the handicap spot without a sticker! Adam and Eve's choice effected the rest of their lives, and still effects we as humans today. Have we found ourselves just as Adam and Eve? We have freedom from day to day to live as we wish, to live a good life and enjoy.....BUT at times we choose to eat the fruit - the ONE fruit we shouldn't eat.

Let's make wise decisions with the freedom that has been given us. Let us not park in the places we shouldn't and let us not be careless and effect those around us in a negative way.

Just some thoughts.

What To Do

WHAT TO DO?

I could climb the highest mountain, but it would still be with me.

WHERE TO GO?

I could go as far as the universe would allow, but it would still be with me.

WHO TO TELL?

Doesn't matter who I tell, it would still be with me.

My heart will be with me no matter what I do, where I go, or who I tell my pains to. I wish I could erase so much, yet no magic eraser exists for the mind. I wish I could live, yet without my heart, without my mind....yet it is not possible.

The pain that comes when your dearest and closest betrays you ~ no erasing, no forgetting, no living without the scar.

So alone I sit in this quiet house.....

wishing there was something I could do,

somewhere I could go,

or someone I could tell.

Psalm 27: Jehovah is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? Jehovah is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evil-doers came upon me to eat up my flesh, [Even] mine adversaries and my foes, they stumbled and fell. 3 Though a host should encamp against me, My heart shall not fear: Though war should rise against me, Even then will I be confident. 4 One thing have I asked of Jehovah, that will I seek after; That I may dwell in the house of Jehovah all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of Jehovah, And to inquire in his temple. 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me secretly in his pavilion: In the covert of his tabernacle will he hide me; He will lift me up upon a rock. 6 And now shall my head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me. And I will offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto Jehovah.

7 Hear, O Jehovah, when I cry with my voice: Have mercy also upon me, and answer me. 8 [When thou saidst], Seek ye my face; My heart said unto thee, Thy face, Jehovah, will I seek. 9 Hide not thy face from me; Put not thy servant away in anger: Thou hast been my help; Cast me not off, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. 10 When my father and my mother forsake me, Then Jehovah will take me up. 11 Teach me thy way, O Jehovah; And lead me in a plain path, Because of mine enemies. 12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine adversaries: For false witnesses are risen up against me, And such as breathe out cruelty. 13 [I had fainted], unless I had believed to see the goodness of Jehovah In the land of the living. 14 Wait for Jehovah: Be strong, And let thy heart take courage; Yea, wait thou for Jehovah.

This scripture was read today during the morning service at St. Timothy's Episcopal Church. It spoke to my heart in a way that scripture hasn't spoken to me in months. I obviously have some adversaries that were unhappy with my blog last week speaking of feeling close to the Lord and how He has once again whispered "daughter" in my ear. What can I say? If I am unhappy and down they are unhappy with me, and if I am happy and feeling good, even more so unhappy....their loss. These people either do not understand, or fail to realize, that as humans we go through many a valley and many mountain tops. I have yet to meet a person untouched emotionally in either situation, and I have never claimed to be one that is untouched.

The parts of the scripture that particularly spoke to me are highlighted in red. I felt that read is the appropriate color, for Christs words are written in red in the scripture, and it was His spirit that communed with mine this morning. Basically to sum up the main points of this scripture I can say of myself......"I have no one to fear! I AM confident! He has lifted me on a rock and I will SING or SPEAK of it! Even though my mother has forsaken me, and some have breathed cruel words towards me I have been TAKEN UP by Jehovah! I will be strong and of good courage.....for I wait on Jehovah."

It has been a while since I last post. Many changes have occurred in my life, some good, some bad, but all has worked for the best. I feel for once in my life that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and that all is working out for me and my family. Jackie and I are doing well, better than ever really. The kids are great and doing well in school.

We are now attending a new church. It hurt at first leaving the small group we were involved with, but now I can see God's movement in the situation. The Episcopal church has welcomed Jackie and I as a family with open arms. Just this Sunday I joined the choir; amazingly they allow "people like me" to be involved in church programs. The song I practiced with the choir fist was one I remember hearing my high school choir director sing - "Broken and Spilled Out." Hearing the song moved me. Singing with a choir in which I am the only gay person moved me, the feeling of acceptance and love overwhelmed me. Singing the songs we sang Sunday morning at practice took me back to my high school years, All-State Choir to be exact.

I have been lifted up, higher than I have been in quite a while.My dad called last week and asked to meet me and the grandkids for dinner. He told me that my mother would no longer keep him away from me! This put me on a high that no drug or alcohol could produce. Then, amazingly, just the other day, I ran into his sister, my aunt Linda at a local gas station. I hadn't seen her since my mother took me away from dad's family when I was but ten years old. We laughed, cried, and I showed her the place in which I live. Linda has visited twice now, and asked to be called "mawma Linda", not only to my children, but to Jackie's. WOW!!! I have my dad back, I have an aunt back I lost some twenty years ago, and I still have my wonderful aunts Marsha and Tammy and my cousin, that I call sister, Nicci!

Life is looking up. God has once again wrapped His loving arms around me and called me "daughter." His love has never failed me, though I have failed Him many times. If only I could share just a piece of what I feel with everyone else in my life! I wish I could put the love and confidence into the hearts of all I love.....