Drowning

I am drowning ~ drowning in myself. I am lost in a deep part of my mind. It is dark and hard to breathe. I don't know how I got here, and I am not sure how to "swim" my way out. It seems that every time I feel I have reached the surface and I am able to take a breath something from down deep pulls me back down....what is it? I don't know. Why does it want to see me drown and suffocate? I'm not sure. Last night it came to me as I tried to fall asleep. It took the breath from me, and scared me frozen. I could not cry out for help, and I could not reach my partner to grab onto her for dear life. I gasped for air a few times, and in those moments it seemed to leave, yet minutes later, as my eyes shut once again, it came back to steal life's breath from me.
This morning it was gone..."it?" I don't know what "it" is...maybe it is "they." I'm not sure, but it, or they, want me gone.
As much as I would like to oblige at times, I can not go. I can not give in and let my breath be taken totally from me. I need to keep gasping for air. My children depend on me, they need me in this crazy thing that's called life. I also can not stand the thought of leaving my partner, she would be fine without me, but I do not know if even in the after life I would be fine without her.
Does anyone understand? Does anyone have a clue what ales me? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I feel the joy of living? I have no tragedy. I eat, I am sheltered, I have a soft, comfortable place to lay my head. There is seemingly no reason for my mind to drown in this despair....but tell my mind that ~ it is lost. It is in another world, a world that is dark and grey. This world is a world that doesn't know happiness, joy, or love. In this world there is only sadness, hate, bitterness, and betrayal. This world is filled with dark shadows, these shadows have no faces, but arms that can reach you no matter how far you think you are from them. They move quietly, making no noise, no sound comes from their shadowed mouth. The quietness of their beings make them even more frightful. Only movement, slow movement toward my life, toward my soul and mind.
There is my answer, I have found that it is not an "it" but a "they" ~ "they" wish to steal life's breath from me.
How can I make them leave? What must I do? What is there to say? What will turn them around? My mind and soul yearns for them to turn away, to go back to the deep from which they came. For if they go back and loose their grasp on me I will be able to reach the surface once again....filling my lungs with the air I need. The sweet soft smell and feel of air in my body will also fill my mind....then..........

When God is Not Enough

You can take a breath now, just try to relax and breathe. I do not foresee God striking you down while you read this blog, so just breathe. It may sound blasphemous, it may be shocking, but wait until the last punctuation before you condemn me for my title.
When God is Not Enough......Hmmm......
When I first started feeling this way and having this thought I felt guilty, scared, maybe in danger of wrath from God. I found myself down, sinking lower everyday, maybe even every minute. I feared going crazy, I feared losing someone I love, and I was full of bitterness and resentment. I spoke with my partner about these things. We had a conversation that I will never forget. I mentioned the people that say "God is all I need." That sounds good, and I guess it sounds very Christian, but is it true? If He is all we need why do we form relationships with others? Why do we get involved in churches, clubs, or even want to be close with our families? Would it not be a lonely existence if for years all we had was our self and God? We would survive, physically, but what about spiritually? emotionally?
Let's think back to the story of Adam and Eve. God made Adam and gave him the world, literally! He even graced Adam with His presence like we have never known, walking and talking with him in the cool of the day. Yet at the end of the day God saw that Adam was lonely, that something was missing, or someone. God Himself said that it was not good for man to be alone, and in response gave Adam Eve.
So Adam had the world, and He had God all to himself, yet he was lonely and sad. As blasphemous as it may sound I realize that sometimes God is not enough.
There are things I need. I need God, but I also need companionship. I need my partner, my children, and now I am finding that I need even more. A couple of months ago I thought that as long as I had my partner and my children I would be fine. A couple of months have gone by and the whole "sinking down lower" thing has started all over again. Day after day of being in this house, performing housework and taking care of kids with no other way to "be me" has taken a toll. At first I didn't believe, or want to believe, this could be my problem. I felt guilty, like a bad partner and mother. How could my wonderful family not be enough for me to make me happy? Why is it that I can't be satisfied giving to them everyday? Some people don't even have the privilege of having a family to love and care for.
After the conversation with my partner of God not being enough I now understand a little better.
It's not wrong to feel lonely, or lost. I am not belittling God and who He is in my life. For even God saw that it wasn't good for man to be alone....and man had God!
Just some thoughts.