Drowning

I am drowning ~ drowning in myself. I am lost in a deep part of my mind. It is dark and hard to breathe. I don't know how I got here, and I am not sure how to "swim" my way out. It seems that every time I feel I have reached the surface and I am able to take a breath something from down deep pulls me back down....what is it? I don't know. Why does it want to see me drown and suffocate? I'm not sure. Last night it came to me as I tried to fall asleep. It took the breath from me, and scared me frozen. I could not cry out for help, and I could not reach my partner to grab onto her for dear life. I gasped for air a few times, and in those moments it seemed to leave, yet minutes later, as my eyes shut once again, it came back to steal life's breath from me.
This morning it was gone..."it?" I don't know what "it" is...maybe it is "they." I'm not sure, but it, or they, want me gone.
As much as I would like to oblige at times, I can not go. I can not give in and let my breath be taken totally from me. I need to keep gasping for air. My children depend on me, they need me in this crazy thing that's called life. I also can not stand the thought of leaving my partner, she would be fine without me, but I do not know if even in the after life I would be fine without her.
Does anyone understand? Does anyone have a clue what ales me? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I feel the joy of living? I have no tragedy. I eat, I am sheltered, I have a soft, comfortable place to lay my head. There is seemingly no reason for my mind to drown in this despair....but tell my mind that ~ it is lost. It is in another world, a world that is dark and grey. This world is a world that doesn't know happiness, joy, or love. In this world there is only sadness, hate, bitterness, and betrayal. This world is filled with dark shadows, these shadows have no faces, but arms that can reach you no matter how far you think you are from them. They move quietly, making no noise, no sound comes from their shadowed mouth. The quietness of their beings make them even more frightful. Only movement, slow movement toward my life, toward my soul and mind.
There is my answer, I have found that it is not an "it" but a "they" ~ "they" wish to steal life's breath from me.
How can I make them leave? What must I do? What is there to say? What will turn them around? My mind and soul yearns for them to turn away, to go back to the deep from which they came. For if they go back and loose their grasp on me I will be able to reach the surface once again....filling my lungs with the air I need. The sweet soft smell and feel of air in my body will also fill my mind....then..........