The Three D's

I sit here tonight, deep in thought. One moment I have so many things racing through my mind, the other I am so blank, so dull. Things seem dark here, lonely. The place that I have found myself once more is a familiar, yet not comfortable.
Depression is truly no respector of person, it shows no kindness toward me, or any other I have known. It comes to me when not expected, sneaks up from behind and attatches itself to me with no warning. It drags me down to that deep dark dungeon, where despair and grief are common place.
Doubt is friend to depression. It fills me once I have entered the dark place. It wraps its bony cold fingers around my mind...leaving me to question everything I have ever known. Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I STILL here? Do I deserve to be here? Do I deserve to go on? Why am I alone in the dark?
Disturbance is great. Nightmares come often, flashbacks occur even more. Good times from past have now become a prelude to despair. My life seemed to be in order, and the disturbance left it in disarray.
What is the way of escape? The three "Ds" hold me hostage. How do I rip the blindfold from my eyes and search for the light that leads the way out? Can I climb the dungeon walls by myself? Will there be anyone to throw down a rope?
Scared? Maybe. Terrified? Probably so. Defeated? Who can tell...it's to early in the game. Where will my pawn in life end?

Is that You God?

Why is it that we constantly look for God to show up in only BIG ways? I know that he parted the Red Sea, and I know that he spoke through a burning bush, but are those types of appearances all that we look for? Everyday God is speaking to us. If we would "listen" closely we would see His hand in so much more than our Bible. The sun came up this morning...GOD. The birds are singing and have been fed...GOD. The kids are alive and healthy this morning...GOD.
Have you ever had God to speak gently to your heart? Just as Elijah heard him in a "still, small voice"? This happened to me just a couple of weeks ago during communion at my church. I felt Him speak and I know exactly what He said. I say that, because my HEART knows, now if I only had my "head" to understand also. For days I wondered; "Was it really God, or was I imagining things?" God in His awesome all knowing self obviously heard my doubts. The past week there have been so many ways that He has confirmed to me that He truly did speak.
WOW!
Why me? I tend to think that there is always someone out there that would do a much better job than me for God. Maybe there is someone smarter, stronger, more loving, or closer to God than I that would be better for His work. It is hard to understand what God sees in me exactly, because most of the time I don't see it myself.
Laying in my bed last night I meditated with Him for awhile. Fellowship and communion with God in the dark silent hours of early morning was sweet. "I am willing" are the words that I wanted Him to hear from my heart. "I am able" are the words that He spoke to my soul. It isn't about me, it is about letting Him use me. He is able to accomplish anything through anyone, I truly believe that. I actually have taught this concept before. Herein lies my obstacle, to believe it for myself. Yes, I am only human, a messed up one sometimes at that, BUT HE is GOD!! He has given me a fresh vision, a fresh wind and fresh fire. It is time for me to let Him work in me, through me, and for me.
He is so AWESOME!

Freedom

You may have an idea exactly where I have been emotionally after reading my last post. You may have been there once yourself, if so I'm sure you have felt the pain. Hopefully at some point you have also felt the joy of being set free from the pain. I have tried to express the emotions I have felt in the following text.

What a feeling to be set free, to feel the sun on my face and feel the wind blow gently through my hair. How my heart is overflowing!
I have been to the deep, to the dark lonely dungeon. The despair I felt in my heart, how it felt so cold and frightening. There was no song, no scripture, no words that could cast away the tormenting agony in this deep.
Was it a day? A month? A year? I do not know. It was longer than a day, but not a lifetime. When you can't see the coming up or the going down of the sun time seems to stand still. I remember happier times as a child, so I know I wasn't there for a lifetime. Somewhere I lost consciousness in a deep dark emotional sleep, so it had to last for more than a year.
Now! Oh the glory! The sun is felt by my pale, cold cheeks again! The shackles that I wore have fallen off! I didn't have to break them, the strength of freedom in my soul has loosed the chains. The song is back in my heart, the words are flowing gently like a river.
The scriptures have once again spoken to my soul.
The only thing left to see are the worn places from the shackles. When I see them I will be reminded of that dark, lonely place that I had ALLOWED myself to be isolated in. Never again will I be shackled. Never again will I be cold and alone. For I will not go down. No one can make me go down. I will fight for this new found freedom until the day that I die. I will deep fighting for my happiness and my love of life.

Sleep

I have written a few lines to explain the freedom that I have felt today, but before I can explain where I am I feel the need to let you know where I have been. I am posting a poem that I wrote a few weeks back, then later tonight I will post my new lines of emotion.

Please make the sun go away
Draw the curtains
Pull down the shades.

Put the blanket over my head
Lock the bedrom door
Just leave me in bed.

I want to sleep a sleep so sound
For when I am asleep
The pain isn't around.

So please make the sun go away
Turn off the light
Alone I will stay.

In the dark alone is where I'll be
For when I am alone
Not one can hurt me.

Rejection it stings and poisons the soul
Just lay me in a box
Put me in a hole.

For when I am dead I cannot be hurt
Kick me or punch me
Try to tear me with your words.

A physical death I do not speak of
But emotionally dead
Feel no pain, feel no love.

Bitter? Maybe. What else could it be?
It has moved in to stay
Taken the tender part of me.

I want to feel love - want someone to care
But if I allow it to happen
It will take me back there.

Eventually I'll be back in my bed
Curtains down
Blanket over my head.

Please make the sun go away
I want to sleep
Pull down the shades.

Avoidance

I am finding more and more that avoidance seems to be my defensive mechanism of choice. Some avoidance issues that I have noticed are; lack of interest in getting my mail, lack of interest in answering the phone, lack of desire to sleep, or truthfully I fear to sleep.
While not opening mail may save me from heartache, and not answering the phone may save me from a hurt, it seems to have little effect on everyone around me.
The lack of desire to sleep is now not only effecting myself, but those around me. I don't want to sleep for fear of nightmares that have become more severe and in depth during the last couple of months. I am starting to drag in my daily routine. It is harder getting housework or schoolwork finished, and my brain doesn't seem to be working the way it should. I am constantly forgetting information, and things I should be doing.
Here is the reason I am a little pissed off. There is someone that I wish I could leave in the past...some one that hurt me terribly. Why is it that this person is with me subconsciously, and in my dreams, well, nightmares. I want to sleep, I need to be rested, but it is easier said than done. I want to be ready for change and new life, but the negative keeps coming back. I think maybe I haven't totally surrendered my past and fears. I feel it is time, but how?

Getting Real

Face it, we all need a way to vent our feelings and emotions. I love to write, and have written many different ways over the years. I am ready for a new way to share my writings, my feelings, and my thoughts. As a gay Christian I have come upon many bumpy and winding roads in recent days. I am ready to share my experiences, and hopefully be an encouragement to somebody else. You may read about my family one day, my church another, a poem on one occasion, or just a pouring of the heart on another.
Be prepared for honesty, be prepared for truthfulness, be prepared for Kimberly Getting Real!