There have been times in my life when I have heard God in what seemed like a wind, His voice spoke loud and clear to me and swept me off my feet to lead me to being excited. There have been other times when I have heard Him in what seemed to be an earthquake, His voice shook me and caused everything in my life to change it's location. Not so long ago I had heard God in a fire, it seemed He literally set my "soul" on fire, and for His work. In this blog I would like to share how God has come to me in the past few days in a still small voice.
I am sure that if you have read any or all of my posts you know that calamity and chaos have been prevalent in my life for the past three years. Three years ago I sought divorce from a man in whom I found much emotional abuse and in the end my children had also. Two years ago I lost my family via their "disowning" me for my "coming out" In the past year I have been through three very dramatic church "lynchings" in which I or my friends have been "called out" as evil. In September the final nail had been put into the coffin of religion and church for me. I witnessed those who claimed to be "Christians" hurting others in horrible ways. This was it for me, and I had no desire to ever step foot into a church door again.
Christmas Eve was drawing near and my partner and I decided that we would attend a midnight mass at a Catholic church not far from home. I had never attended a mass, and was intrigued by the comments of a friend who loved the Christmas Eve mass. So, at 11:30pm on Christmas Eve my partner, my three children, and I walked into the Catholic church.
I was in awe of the beauty of the sanctuary. Stained glass windows that were so beautiful in the night that I couldn't imagine the beauty in the day, and wonderful cathedral ceilings. The service started and I was afraid that I would feel awkward attending my first mass with no clue as to how to participate. I found that I was stressing for no reason, for the flow was so easy and unconstrained. The music was heavenly, although the choir hit a few wrong notes for the most part it was out of this world. The music that was brought by the choir sounded as the music I imagine hearing in heaven or as I am dieing. The sopranos would hit the high notes and the bases would go so low, and I sat with my ears feeling soothed with this choral music that was mostly Latin.
I have heard many complaints about how boring and liturgical a Catholic service seems to be, but I didn't find this to be the case at all. I have been in many a services that seemed to be "loud" or "exciting" and have noticed that some people feel if there is no excitement or shouting that they have not heard from God in the service. I have at times felt excited, shouted, etc....you know...I have had the wind, earthquake, and fire. On this occasion though, my heart felt a calm, a peace through the structure and quietness of the service. My ears hearing approximately 100 people say the phrase "thanks be to God" was like a balm to my soul.
Another incident in the mass that seemed to bring a peace to me was the aroma of incense. The priest many times used incense in the mass, and usually with prayer. I later learned incense is used during prayer to signify our prayers going up to God and the smell signifies the sweetness of the spirit with us. Oh MY! My nose captured the sweet smell and my whole being felt illuminated with the light of God. I know this may sound far fetched, but I felt so peaceful and calm, and felt that the prayers I was praying in my heart and mind were being lifted straight to Him and that He was communing right back with me.
The choir sang a new version of Ave Maria, and I couldn't fight the tears. I stared at the crucifix, remembering what Christ did for me, and thinking how none of the turmoil in my life can match His sacrifice. I started to think of my dad. My mother had decided that this year in order to place me under more of her pressure to change that she would not send me a birthday or Christmas card. I have received nothing in the way of a gift the past two holiday seasons, but this year not even a card. On Christmas Eve I had a card from my dad in the mailbox. My dad, like many other men, does not do the shopping or card writing during the season, but when he found out that mom wasn't even sending me a card he decided to do this himself. Dad got a card for me, signed that he loved me, and said for me to spend the Wal-Mart gift card enclosed on myself. This was a first in my life, for at no other time had dad actually even signed his own name on cards or gifts for me, mom always did.
My point is this!
My dad has stood back and watched my mother treat me like dirt and say unimaginable things to me. He has kept his distance in order to appease my mother, but when he found out that his name wasn't even going to be on a card for me he drew the line. He has seen my mother try to cause hurt for almost three years, but decided this past week that he was going to give me a blessing, or love, in spite of what my mother thought or thinks. I can imagine the ordinary conversation taking place with dad and mom. Dad asks "what did we get your mom and the kids for Christmas" and my mother responds with " I'm not sending Kim anything, she doesn't deserve anything from me." I have daydreamed of my dad saying "then I'll get her a card myself." I can see my dad picking out my card, and signing his name to it. Tears flow as I think of love filling his heart at that moment.
I am getting to a point.....ha! My earthly father loved me enough to show me love after he had seen enough hurt brought to me from my mother. My heavenly Father signed His name to my heart during mass on Thursday night. He signed it in a still small voice by saying "you are my daughter, and no matter what hurts others have caused you I LOVE YOU STILL."
My faith feels so strong at this moment, strong yet peaceful and still. I am loved. I am wanted. I am......well I am.
1 comment:
Very well written and very moving. I think it will take the raging fire or wind to break through to me though.
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