My spiritual journey....My experiences

Jackie and I attended a service Sunday morning that was a new experience for the both of us. Our plans were to try the episcopal church that is located not far from our house, but upon arriving we approached a sign that informed us that the service was moved to the Lutheran church in the valley. The service was nice, but not what either of us were looking for. I had a conversation months ago with the rector of the Episcopal church and she promised me that our family would be lovingly welcomed at St. Timothy's. After the service Sunday morning we discussed how many churches we had both either attended or visited. I thought throughout the day about all of my experiences, good, bad, and what I learned from each. I am writing this blog to share my experiences with anyone interested in reading.

I was three years old when my grandmother started attending church and she made the decision to take me and allow me to grow up in church even though my parents were not church goers. A Church of God associated with Anderson, IN is where my religious experience got off to a start. The teachers and pastor were loving people, but had a way of making one feel "less than" and as if measuring up were not possible. I mentioned above that my parents didn't attend church so there were many occasions when I would miss church to go with my family on a trip. The next Sunday I was made to feel guilty, even as a child, for missing the previous service. I was taught that "good works" and attending church is what pleases God and I needed to do my best to do so. I learned a lot of Bible while attending there for nine years and owe the little church in Charleston gratitude for giving me a base for my spiritual walk. The Church of God believes in "losing" salvation and that the book of Revelations is symbolic and not literal. I later learned different beliefs as I will explain later. It was in this church that I had my first "salvation" experience. There were those who were going to the alter to "be saved" and I wanted to do what they were doing so I also went to the alter and my Sunday school teacher prayed for me.

The year that I turned twelve held many changes for me. The first change was the move from Charleston to Sissonville, new school, new friends, new house, and now a new church. I started attending an American Baptist church with my aunt and uncle. I was introduced to the baptist beliefs of salvation and understanding of the book of Revelation. I had many conversations with my pastor, teachers, and friends about the new beliefs that I was now introduced to. This new idea of eternal salvation was one for me to ponder and battle with. How could my previous teachings be wrong? I had been taught that to "mess up" in any way would mean that I was no longer be saved and on my way to hell. I was also introduced to the belief that the book of Revelations was indeed literal in many ways, that there would in the future be a rapture, tribulation, and thousand year reign.

I spent four years (my first go around) at the American Baptist church and in the mean time visited many other churches where I was invited to sing. I had the experience of visiting Charismatic, Full Gospel, Apostolic Pentecostal, community and even Methodist churches. I was introduced to "exciting" services in which members would shout, clap, and some even danced. I was also introduced to "boring" services and in these I was so bored that I could not wait to go home.

When I was 16 years old the American Baptist church had a type of melt down. We lost our pastor, who was also my best friends dad, whom I considered to be a type of second or spiritual dad to me. The church had a hard time recovering and honestly I can't tell if they ever have to this day.

I was 16 years old and was dating a boy that was a Nazarene. I attended the Nazarene church with him off and on and learned of their beliefs. They, like the Church of God, believed salvation could be lost, but believed the book of Revelation like the Baptist church I had been in for four years. During this same time my school choir director became a big part of my life. I looked up to her in a musical way and in a spiritual way, she seemed so spiritually grounded and I admired that in her. This director was also a Nazarene, but attended a different church. My best friend and I decided that we would start attending the directors church and be involved in her church choir. So during this time I dug deeper into the Nazarene beliefs and tried to make sense of what I wanted to believe was true. I started to feel that I believed the literal meaning of the book of Revelation, but didn't know if I felt I could lose my salvation or not. I did know that I didn't fully believe that I could be saved forever, and was scared every time that I "messed up" that I was hell bound. I especially worried because during this time I was battling with feelings of homosexuality and knew that the belief of my family and most church people I had been around believed it was a sin.

I was 19 when I married my high school boyfriend. Why did I marry even though I battled being gay? I married because I believed it was the "right" thing to do and I was determined to live a "good life" and raise a family. During the time of my engagement before the wedding the new pastor of the American Baptist church that I left visited my home. During this visit the new pastor encouraged my fiance and myself to give the church another try. At this time in my life many changes were being made. My parents and brother were preparing to move to Louisville, Ky and I was preparing to move in with my aunt and uncle. I was also attending my first year of college as a music major. The aunt and uncle that I was moving in with still attended the American Baptist church and I thought that it would be a wise decision to go to church with family.


My husband and I spent a few years back at the American Baptist church and seemed to grow in some ways. I became close to the choir director there and we spent a great deal of time discussing spiritual matters. My husband had begun a new journey of his own. He had been hired by the postal service and made new friends. One new friend in particular was an Independent Fundamental Baptist preacher. I remember the nights that my husband would come home and tell me of his changing views. He now believed that salvation is eternal and in the literal meaning of Revelations, but also in "holy living." The beach was no longer an option, for to put on a bathing suit was to be naked in front of others. Music other then gospel music was wrong and from Satan, and movies were just as bad. We were not allowed to go to the movies anymore, for someone may think we were going to see an R rated movie. Included in these changes were leaving out some of our favorite restaurants because they served alcohol. We left the American Baptist church and started attending a Freewill Baptist church near where we lived. I held many resentments against my husband, his friends, and the new church pastor. I felt caged and imprisoned. Why did I go along with my husband? ha! I went along with my husband because one of the beliefs that he said God had "enlightened" him too was that of obedience. A wife is to obey her husband and follow her husband at all times and the husband is the spiritual head of the household. My kids were not going to believe in Santa and me and my daughter were not going to wear pants. Many days I scrubbed toilets down in the floor in a dress to please my husband and pastor. Why did I care what they thought? I cared what they thought because I was still afraid that if I weren't careful my soul would still end up in hell.

After a few years of attending the Freewill Baptist church the one I was married to decided it was time to make another change. He could no longer attend a church that believed you could lose your salvation. This decision resulted in our attending an Independent Fundamental Baptist church. This church was a little different - same beliefs as my husband minus the not going to the beach rule and the not eating where alcohol is served rule. It was in this church that I came to a belief that I was really never actually saved. I had gone to an alter, but no confession or profession was made. At the age of 29 I went to an alter again and tried to get it right...because....I didn't want to go to hell did I?

We spent the ending of our marriage at the Independent Fundamental Baptist church and when I made the decision to divorce for emotional and some physical abuse the church turned it's back on me. I had just given the church a $2,000 check two weeks before I threw out my husband and the first time I went to church afterwards they shunned me. I was told by the pastor that I had no reason to divorce because adultery had not been committed and that I had ruined my husbands ministry as well as my own...so I left.

I found myself at 30 years old back at a Nazarene church. I found emotional support once again from my high school choir director and her church. After my divorce I had made the decision that if I ever were to date again I would "be myself" and be with a woman. I found myself in my first lesbian relationship and quit attending church. I felt I should quit because I knew that just about any church that I could attend frowned upon my life.

Almost a year after the start of my open life I missed church so bad that I could not stand it. I found a church that accepted openly gay people and believed that they could still be Christians. The services were nice, but tended to be a bit boring, that is until a revival was stirred. Many people wanted more, more praise, more prayer, more excitement. It was this yearning for more and the leader of the church trying to snuff it out that led a group of us to leave. We had started our own church and I finally felt I was "at home" with God and church.

This "at home" feeling only lasted a few months, for just as in a "straight" church the "gay church" members started eating one another alive. I find myself now, a few days from 33, not involved in church once again. A group of us moved on and meet once a week to have bible study, but church as I had known it is gone.

I wrote about my experience with the Catholic mass on Christmas eve, so now I can add a Catholic service to my list of experiences, and Sunday mornings Lutheran experience. Two Sundays from now I will be able to add an Episcopal service to my list, my list keeps growing! ha!

This LLOOONNNGGG blog is coming to a point. My point is that I am almost 33 years old, have experienced many beliefs and many church worship styles, and I still have no home. I don't have a physical church home, but I also don't have a spiritual church home. What do I mean? I mean that I still find myself wondering exactly was it is that I believe. I do know that I believe in God, Jesus, and Heaven and that these beliefs I am firm on. I will go to my grave believing in all three, but what else can I stand firm on? Do I want a traditional quiet service to attend? Do I want a loud praising service to attend? Do I believe that I am saved forever or that if I die at this moment I will burn? Do I believe in the rapture, tribulation, etc? Most important question: When I do nail down exactly what I believe will I find a church that is accepting of me in which I feel comfortable with my beliefs while attending?

Church of God, American Baptist, Nazarene, Freewill Baptist, Independent Fundamental Baptist, with some Charismatic, Apostolic Pentecostal, thrown in.....but don't forget the Catholic and Lutheran experience. whew!

The one and only thing I can hold on to at this moment in a spiritual way is my Father....my Father and His love for me.....regardless.